Nothingness
by Anante
Summary: Oneshot. The year 1981, on All Hallows' Eve Snape attempts to find a place to grieve in peace. This results in Harry's first taste of Occulumency. Complete!


**Nothingness by aprrayn/lilette **

**(previously uploaded to potions and snitches [dot] net in August 2010)**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything related to the Harry Potter series. It's all Jo's!

**Summary:** Oneshot. The year 1981, on All Hallows' Eve Snape attempts to find a place to grieve in peace. This results in Harry's first taste of Occulumency.

"_Maybe nothingness is to be without your presence…" – Sonnet LXIX, Pablo Neruda_

He just wanted the world to stop. But he stood obediently in the shadows as everyone passed him by.

The Order of the Phoenix headquarters was a mess. Even with joyous festivities planned in the very near future, the Order members were in a mad rush to and fro to offer aid, retrieve information and make arrangements due to the events of that Halloween night. Everyone was quite absorbed with their tasks and eager to get to them. They would complete their assignments and join the impending parties that would consume the English wizard world tonight.

Mourners were scarce, the man noticed. A gleaming full moon kept Remus Lupin away, probably unaware of the tragic and joyous events until the next morning. And Sirius Black had hastily made himself disappear. Peter Pettigrew's whereabouts were unknown.

Severus Snape briefly lifted his gaze to the bearded man who was talking to Minerva McGonagall. The two would soon leave to drop off a newly orphaned boy with Petunia. The movement attracted the deputy headmistress's own attention and she didn't fail to notice the young man's deathly state. Paler than usual, eyes haunted and red rimmed, clothes and hair disheveled... She in turn held an expression that wanted to ask so many questions.

But then the Longbottom couple, carrying their sleeping son, rushed up to them looking extremely concerned. They approached Dumbledore and McGonagall's attention was distracted from her former student. They retreated into an empty room. Snape, ever perceptive, knew they were worried about their own safety and how the residual death eaters would try to go after them due to the prophecy.

Moistness started to prickly at his eyes. _Damn!_ Thinking of that damned prophecy was tearing at his fresh wounds.

Suddenly, the room was filled with too many people and despite his discrete placement and the wide berth of space between him and the frantic Order members, Snape couldn't breathe. He had to get out of here! He kept himself close to the walls and out of anyone's direct line of sight. Desperately, he searched for a door knob to anywhere but where he currently was.

A jolt of magic surprised him when he finally grasped one in his trembling hands. But it didn't scare him, it didn't try to fight him...it was welcoming him.

No longer thinking straight, he quickly pulled the door open and threw himself inside a dark room. Whipping out his wand with ease, he steadied his shaking hands enough to secure a silent barrier and locking charm around every inch of the walls that he could feel.

Finally able to catch his breath and allow tears to fall without anyone seeing, including himself, he dropped to the ground and released choking sobs. He dared not lift his hand to his face for now.

Touching those tears would make it worse. It would make it even more real.

_Lily!_

How could he have let this happen? How could he have allowed the one good soul in his life die like that? She was GONE!

And he had ruined the last few years by loosing her friendship that fateful day in Hogwarts. How could the world still go on now that she was completely gone? He had wanted the world to end back then but now...he couldn't bear it.

His sobs hitched to a stop as quickly as they had started when a strange noise brought him to his feet and wand out in defense.

"_Lumos_," Snape barely breathed out.

He held out his hand and for the first time saw what the room he had claimed as sanctuary contained. It was a sitting room but the furniture had been pushed flush against the walls. At the center of the room stood a crib that pulsated with magic from a transfiguration spell. The strange noise, fussy murmurs, changed into a hicupping whine and then full out wailing.

"No...no..." Snape shook his head, shutting his eyes. _Not here. Not here. Not here_.

But the crying wouldn't stop and as Snape fell back onto the floor, he knew he wouldn't be able to bring himself to stand for a long time. He felt so tired of everything. He just wanted an escape, preferably a wake up call to discover everything had been a dream. A nightmare.

The object of his growing disdain and annoyance continued to cry like a banshee and again, for the millionth time that night he wondered why he had made such a promise. It hurt to think of the answer to his own question. But that child was the reason why he couldn't force himself to finally be rid of his miserable existence.

He covered his ears with his hands, ignorant of the foolish image he created and willed himself to drown out the urgent cries.

So it startled him when he felt tiny fists pulling at his sleeves. He attempted to leap up but his legs were caught beneath his cloak which literally strapped him to the floor, his own body weight and that of a smaller weight keeping him down upon the cloth.

The one year old sniffed with expectancy at the bedraggled man. Both looked quite the pair, sporting confused expressions and eyes puffy and bloodshot. Snape, for the first time, was tempted by the painful words the headmaster had used only a while ago. The child did have Lily's eyes. And the scar...

The mournful chanting of "...gone...gone..." had ceased for now and was replaced by curiosity. He had never laid eyes on the son of the Potters before.

The fistfuls of black robes did not relent and the child teetered onto his feet securing iron grips into the cloth. Standing, the boy's wisps of dark hair tickled the man's nose as his head only reached just below his upper lip. The fact that he could sense the stuck up strands surprised him and he suddenly became alert to the close proximity of the child. Instinctively, due to the fact that he had not had such human contact in a while, he tried to back away. But when this caused the robe to slip beneath the boy's feet and the child onto his rump, Snape froze.

Crouched awkwardly and not yet standing, he looked down at the boy he hovered over. The little face was scrunched as though in terrible agony from the diaper-cushioned plop. The young man visibly cringed when the toddler lifted chubby arms, still fisted with his robes, towards him. Then the wailing started anew.

"Stop!" he exclaimed fearfully. Then remembering the silencing ward he had placed he repeated his command with more force. But it did nothing to calm the child. "Stop! Stop it! STOP!" he yelled.

But the world would not stop. And neither would the Lily-eyed babe.

Nothing was fair.

Frustrated, he pulled at his robes and jerked it roughly. Only one dimpled grip lost its hold and this brought up an even worse sound from the tiny mouth. Now Snape just wanted to leave and forget he had entered this room in the first place. He hesitated, alarmed by the desperate wailing of the toddler, before finally scooping him in awkward arms. But the boy seemed content at being held and adjusted himself where needed as long as Snape didn't drop him. The crying had stopped.

Both fists were once again filled with his herbal-smelling robes. And the child seemed blissfully unaware of the man walking them towards the crib from which the younger had mysteriously escaped from.

But the child was pulling at the robes again, discomforting the man's waist with tugging motions...almost as though the boy was replicating Snape's previous actions.

Snape longed to give the child an earful but knew it would fall on dumb ears. Could the boy even understand or talk? Why bother? Plus, he needed to leave as soon as possible. Would Dumbledore wonder where the double spy had gone off to? So he settled with giving the boy a glare.

His breath escaped him when the green eyes were turned towards him once more.

And carefully, unknowingly, before it was too late, he had entered the child's mind.

.

.

.

The painfully cheerful decor of the room took Snape off guard just as he realized what had happened. He was about to forcibly retreat, as cowardly as that would have been, but the presence of the two occupants made his limbs lock in place.

Somewhere inside of him, a voice cried "It's too soon!" but he stayed silent, eyes fixed as though memorizing the scene intently.

Lily Potter was sitting on the plush, carpeted floor of a nursery room. Her son was sitting in her lap, eyes dancing over the scattered photos. He squirmed enough for his mother to set him on the floor beside her. She smiled as she shuffled through some of the photos in her hand, unaware of the one year old sticking his eager hands into the box in front of her.

_"Ah, here's another one, Harry!"_ The woman picked out a photo from her stack and laid it before the boy. His curiosity peaked, he forgot his treasure hunt to stare at the waving man in the photo.

_"Who's this?"_

A toothy grin quickly split the child's face and he cried out _"Dada! Dada! Dada!"_

He was rewarded with a kiss to his head as she flipped another photo on top of the grinning James Potter. _"Look, Harry!"_

_"Pad-dee!"_

_"That's right!"_ Lily exclaimed proudly at the bouncing boy who was squealing with excitement at the sight of his godfather. The image of Sirius Black ran a hand through his thick hair and laughed handsomely.

_"Pad-dee! Paddy! Paddy!"_ he continued to giggle as the man in the photo tried to pull someone's arm into the picture frame. _"Paddy! Paddy! Pad-"_

_"What is it, Harry?"_ his mother asked as the boy pulled the photo close to his face. _"Oh, that's-"_

_"Moo? Moo! MOO! MOO!"_ Lily shook her head but the boy repeated it. _"MOO! MOO!"_

_"-nee. Moo...neeee. Moony, Harry."_ Lily pulled her son back onto her lap, laughter at her lips and stars in her eyes. "_I don't think Remus is overly fond of his nickname. But we'll have you saying it correctly when he visits Friday, right?"_ she asked through her giggling. Harry waved the photo in the air, delighted at his mother's reaction and the mention of the weekly visit.

She secured the boy in her lap for a while longer but Harry was soon back on the floor, crawling towards every photo and inspecting them intensely. He plopped back on his rear and stuck his hands back into the picture box. Pulling out a handful, one picture fell out of his grip and landed face down onto the carpet. Lily tsked gently at her son but she allowed him to keep pulling photos out.

She quieted as she flipped the photo over to return it to its proper place.

Harry, ever keen on his mother's moods, also stilled and crawled toward her. He pulled at her arm, wondering what had captured her attention so quickly.

Now Severus Snape found himself able to move, stiffly, to stand behind them and see what the red haired woman was looking at.

It was...

...him.

It was a muggle photo of when he was younger, probably twelve. Lily had snuck out her parent's camera from her house and had immediately demanded to play photographer. The picture she was holding was the only one she had been able to capture of his face since he was quite light-footed back then. He was angled, just starting to turn away from her in an attempt to dash off. But the moment was frozen on paper forever.

Harry stayed solemnly quiet as she tucked the photo back into the box. Snape, who felt his throat go dry, was thinking he had had enough.

He turned to leave.

_"Mama?"_

Snape looked back down at them and was even more surprised to see Lily pull out a photo that had been taken only a couple of months ago. It was him again.

It was a wizard photo this time so his photo self scowled gloomily at camera flashes that erupted before him. He held up his Potions Master certificate with annoyance and a small line of text at the bottom of the photo-a newspaper clipping-read: _"Severus Snape, Europe's youngest Potions Master."_

Lily smiled fondly at it.

_"Mama?"_ Harry asked again. He tugged at her arm, wanting to scrutinize the photo at a closer level.

She held it out for him and he pulled it up to his face like he had the others. The stranger looked unhappy from afar but Harry could see, with the photo an inch from his face, that there was a proud tug on the corner of his lips and a firm grip on the certificate in his hands. But who was he?

He stared up at Lily imploringly.

_"Severus...can you say 'Sev' for me, Harry?"_

Harry contorted his mouth and a gurgled hiss came out as a result. The gurgling spilled into giggling that made Lily smile again. She pressed another kiss into the boy's wispy hair and murmured softly. _"He's my best friend, Harry. One day...he'll visit us as well."_ she softly told the boy as though she were making a promise. But the slightly troubled look in her eyes didn't escape either the boy or Snape.

_"How about this one?"_ Lily asked as she pulled out a wallet from her pocket and slipped something from its casing.

_"Mama! Hawweeee!"_ Harry cried, smacking the picture with the tiny palm of his hand.

_"Yes! Now here..."_ She pointed to the image of Harry. _"Harry..."_ She pointed to Snape's newspaper photo. _"Severus...and..."_

_"MAMA!"_ he cried with great enthusiasm.

She beamed at her son pulling him onto her lap. _"Let's practice!"_ And she started pointing at pictures again.

_"Dada! Pad-dee! Moo! Hawee! Ssss...ssss..."_ The boy scrunched his face again and Snape feared he'd unleash another ungodly wail. _"Sew-wi?"_ The boy looked deep in thought for a while contemplating the name before he started bouncing up and down. _"Sewi!"_

_"Good, Harry!"_ Lily cooed as she let Harry grip onto her hand, Snape's picture held in the other.

_"Sewi! Sewi! Sewi! Sewi!"_

Why...

Why did this happen?

Why had he missed out on so much?

_"Sewi! Sewi! Sewi! Sewi!"_

He could have enjoyed Lily's friendship for a couple years more...

...possibly saved her! And now...

.

.

.

"Sewi?"

Snape hadn't realized he had fallen back onto the floor with Harry still held in his arms. The boy's face leveled a calm stare at the man even with tear streaks marking his cherubic cheeks.

"Sewi?"

Snape tried to make a noise but he opened his mouth with silence.

"Sew-wi?"

The boy looked the man in the eyes with such fierce intensity. Like he was looking at a photo. "Hawwee." the boy evenly stated with a finger pointing at his chest. "Sewi." he said just as promptly, jabbing the man with a finger to his breast bone.

Harry continued his strong gaze as he asked "Mama?"

Silence.

"Mama?"

"No..." he whispered hoarsely, shaking his head.

Snape tried to coil into himself as much as possible as the child moved in his arms, a movement that he had not been ready for. Harry laid his head against the man's shoulder, lips quivering with emotion. But he did not cry out. Not even as his arms wrapped around the man's neck and instinctively gripped handfuls of the black robes again.

With wisps of jet black hair tickling Snape's nose, Harry murmured through hiccups "Sewi...Sewi...Sewi...Sewi..." and a hand lifted to cradle the boy's head against the shoulder.

**a/n:** Thanks for reading!


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